A blast from the past
Here is a past "article" written about when I was cheated on
*****
just an fyi, i heard that statistically speaking, married men are more
likely to stay with their unfaithful spouse than women. but you know
what they say about statistics.
this past weekend my fiancee asked me if i could ever get over what she did,
and i honestly answered, "i don't know"
it's not so much that she cheated on me. in fact, in some sense, she
didn't *technically* cheat on me. for a week, we were on a break.
(damn, i feel like ross & rachel in friends) anyway, during that week
she moved back to her parents place and was supposed to think about what
she really wanted. this was after i had found out they had been
communicating with inappropriately sexually implicit emails. so when it
happened, we were on our "break." i had actually encouraged her to see
him, because if she would have been happier with him, then i would have
gladly let her go. well, not gladly, but willingly. so technically, we
weren't "together" at the time.
what gets me is that she had come back after a week and claimed that
everything was settled. i even offered her more time, but she insisted
that she didn't need more time. we both agreed that she would have no
contact with him ever again. life went on, and we seemed ok. our
physical relationship was still scarce, but i didn't think twice of it.
she had had some bad experiences in her life and i had attributed it to
that.
when i eventually found out what actually happened, i was literally
floored. my whole world was collapsing, and my knees buckled under the
emotional weight. eventually i recomposed myself, cuz i knew she was on
her way home. when she did get home, i let her know that i knew and that
this was the end. i have only a vague recollection of what happened that
night as my mind had stopped functioning at full capacity. numbness and
indifference was my shield. i still loved her though, and i knew it. we
agreed to end things, and stay separated for an extended & indefinite
period of time. actually, it was my idea, and she had no choice but to
agree. i was going to let her go. i figured that while she was living
with me, she had made too many ties with me to leave me if she wanted to.
the wedding, our families, our friends, her unemployment. i figured
that forcing her out would solve at least 3 of these. if it's my idea,
without specifying why, she wouldn't have to deal with it. she could
just tell them i broke it off. her unemployment (which was in part due
to my persuasion and in part due to her asshole of a boss) would only be
temporary. once she had established herself in a few months, i'd give
her at least a few more months to start dating again. so perhaps in a
year, i was going to come back and see where she was in her life and ask,
"do you still want me?" it would be a clean start, with no unfinished
business hanging over our heads.
the next morning though (i had let her stay the night due to my own
weakness), she told me that in 3 months she would leave new york. she
would disappear (basically run away) and just start over somewhere else.
i tried to convince her not to, but i understood why she would want to.
she said that when i wanted her back, someone would be able to get in
touch with her and she would come back. we argued about it, but she
wouldn't budge. at most, she agreed to stay 6 months to a year to wait
for me. this completely defeated the purpose since she would have to
start a new job and basically a new life when she came back. plus the
unfinished business here in new york would remain unfinished. she asked
if we could just stay together and work it out. i told her she had no
idea of what she was asking of me. and i still don't think she does.
what really got me then, and still gets me now, wasn't so much that it
happened, but everything around it. you see, even after our week-long
break. they continued to communicate via email/friendster/txtmsgs and it
continued being as sexual as before. there was all this passion that she
felt that she obviously didn't feel for me. and despite my alleged good
qualities of "intelligence," "personality," "humor," "stability,"
"potential to be a great husband/father" and his "lack of depth,"
"commitment aversion," and "being hard to find,"i would have given
anything to be him. and sometimes i still would. i would like to be the
one who gives her butterflies in her stomach. but i know i'm not. and i
know he does. i'm the guy in the movies that the main character is up
against. the boring nice guy who always means well and tries to do the
right thing, but still ends up getting ditched by the girl. ya know, i'm
half expecting someone (maybe not even this guy, but someone else) to
bust in on our wedding and say, "stop! don't marry him! i love you!"
anyway, my ghosts are not of what happened between them, but of what
isn't between us. i know she loves me, but it's something more than
love. in many ways we're alike. which is why i know i'm the practical
choice, not the passionate one. it's a lot to deal with and to know.
a lot of the times i find myself questioning everything. sometimes i
look at her and i wonder, "is she thinking about him now?" i don't know
how to stop myself from wondering/questioning. i try to stop myself from
thinking by being busy or sleeping or watching tv/dvds, but eventually i
get some time alone and she's out with her friends and the thoughts start
flooding back into my head again. it makes me wish for drugs or alcohol
or a lobotomy. she really had no idea what she was asking for.
things are getting better though. i still get flashes of pain, but
they're under control. i believe we can make it through this. i believe
we can move on and continue. i don't know if i'll ever "get over" this,
but i believe in our future.
*****
I suppose I'll analyze this another time. I don't really feel like it right now.
Surprise!
Surprise, surprise, I didn't feel like going to bed to my pissed off fiancee, so I thought I'd get started on getting my thoughts on sex down.
Sex & Relationships
Despite what the Christian Right would have you believe, sex is a *very* important part of the relationship. Now, I'm not endorsing the morons who say, "but if you love me, you would." No, I'm all for abstinence, even for non-virgins. If that's your choice. What I'm talking about is after marriage, when you've commited yourself completely to one person. I know some of you more "liberal-minded" people will disagree with me, but I say, once you're married, your sexual urges should only be satisfied by your life partner. (Watch, one day I'll end up in the newspaper, soliciting an undercover cop) If that same life partner cannot fulfill your needs, you're pretty much screwed. Well, make that "not screwed." And that's basically where I am right now.
I have no doubt in my mind that I love her, but there's more to it than that. There's a special connection made during passionate sex, and we haven't had that connection in a looong time. It doesn't help that I'm sometimes "trigger happy" but, hey, I blame the infrequency for that. If you want to argue it, prove me wrong by increasing the frequency. Anyway, that connection has been lost, and I can't seem to find it again, and you may think it's just my hormones talking, but losing that connection has made me feel more distant and alone than ever.
Another thing is that she's cheated on me before. I try not to think about it, but it still lingers there, in the back of my head. I can't help but wonder what I'm missing that he has. Obviously she can still feel that connection with someone, even though it's not me. It really hurts sometimes.
A natural question would be, why marry her if she cheated on you? I don't know. I love her. There are times when we're happy, and it's the best feeling in the world. But other times... I don't know. I want to make things work. She's a good person, I love her, and I try to make her happy. For the most part. I think I'm rambling now.
So what's been learned from this excerpt? That there's much more beneath the surface, and that I haven't completely dealt with my feelings on her cheating yet. Also, I'm constantly thinking of sex. But then again, I knew that already. (Deja vu)
This topic is far from over. I'm sure I'll come back to it another time. I have plenty of moments I feel shitty because of my sexual inactivities.
Bah, humbug.
Somedays life is the shiznit, somedays it's just shit. Today is one of those days where it's just shit. After working all day at the office, and then working more at home, I drive out to bring home my fiancee, and when we get home, we find that dinner hasn't been cooked yet. Note that it's already late and my fiancee has to get up early for work, ergo, *I* have to get up early for work. So while waiting for the food to cook, I'm still tapping away at the laptop, doing more work, when my fiancee decides she wants to watch something else. After hearing what she wanted to watch, I suggest we put on something we both would like. She gets all upset and tells me "fine" and that I can watch whatever I want to watch. We all know what "fine" means, right? It means, "god, you're such a dick, and I'm gonna sit here and be mad at you in silence while you do whatever the fuck you want." So I decide not to watch any TV at all, and keep on working. Pretty soon it's bed time, and she's still pissed at me, giving me the silent treatment. She starts getting ready for bed, and I realize that this is gonna be another night to "fly solo," if you know what I mean. It's pretty pathetic when a sexless night has become the norm, and we're not even married yet. She goes to bed, and I go prepare my dog's food, take a shower, then pack both of our lunches for the next day. And now I sit here typing this.
Ok, so if this is a
"Psychoanalysis of the Self" what can I learn from tonight's episode. I think she was upset about dinner and taking it out on me. I, in turn, was upset about so much working, and was adamant about watching something I'd be interested in. Possibly. I mean, I don't think that's what I did, but it's always possible on the subconscious level. Furthermore, I am also constantly thinking about sex. Even during arguments. But then again, I already knew that. Perhaps that would stop if it became a more frequent thing, enough to satisify me. I can't say for sure though, because that hasn't happened yet. This is a topic for another time. Actually, it's the topic I had meant to write in the first place. And to those of you who are asking where my promised sexposition is, I say again, "Bah, humbug."
