Psychoanalysis of the Self
Pen in the Ass
Scenario:
My fiancee has a particular pen she just *loves*. It is the Zebra Sarasa fine point cobalt gell retractable pen. Being the guy that I am, I go out and try to buy this pen for her. 101 of them to be exact. Unfortunately, they no lnoger make it in fine point, but she said medium point was ok too, so I go ahead and place the order. Even more unfortunately, she thought that the color was navy. So the package arrives, and she opens it and it turns out to be the wrong one. I hate returning things through the mail, so it looks like I'll have enough pens to last the rest of my life.
Analysis:
I think this is representative of a lot of the problems in my life. The problem could have been spotted early on if either one of us was paying attention. She could have seen it on the box, and I could have seen it on the website I ordered it from. It was really nobody's fault and everybody's fault, so I have no where to direct my anger/upset mood. Another thing is that it is another example of me fucking things up by trying to do a good thing. Sometimes it seems that things would be much easier if I just stopped trying. I know, this is not a healthy mentality and I won't be adopting it, but sometimes I really wonder.
Why is it that I only started really wanting a gmail account after I found out that my fiancee's sister has one? I don't know, but it's pretty pathetic.
Whoops!
Almost forgot I wanted to analyze my past "article." When I re-read it, I get all the same insecurities and fears I did as when I wrote it. I guess the most important thing that can be extracted from this is that things haven't really improved for me.
Revenge of the Bah, Humbug
So we had it out tonight. Sort of. I did most of the talking, and she did most of the shrugging. Goddammit, it's like talking to a brick wall. I have serious doubts as to whether this is going to work, or if she even wants it to work. If she did, tonight would have been a verrry good night to *put in some effort*!!! She's taken to the refuge of allegedly not caring. This doesn't work because I've tried it many a time. The problem is that the truth is that you do care, and saying, "I don't care," is just you trying to convince yourself, except that you'll never really be able to do it cuz you know better! Look, I'm so upset, I made a run-on sentence. Anyway, all she's gonna do is get herself frustrated, and that frustration will become resentment. Again, I know from experience.
I don't know what to do anymore.
A blast from the past
Here is a past "article" written about when I was cheated on
*****
just an fyi, i heard that statistically speaking, married men are more
likely to stay with their unfaithful spouse than women. but you know
what they say about statistics.
this past weekend my fiancee asked me if i could ever get over what she did,
and i honestly answered, "i don't know"
it's not so much that she cheated on me. in fact, in some sense, she
didn't *technically* cheat on me. for a week, we were on a break.
(damn, i feel like ross & rachel in friends) anyway, during that week
she moved back to her parents place and was supposed to think about what
she really wanted. this was after i had found out they had been
communicating with inappropriately sexually implicit emails. so when it
happened, we were on our "break." i had actually encouraged her to see
him, because if she would have been happier with him, then i would have
gladly let her go. well, not gladly, but willingly. so technically, we
weren't "together" at the time.
what gets me is that she had come back after a week and claimed that
everything was settled. i even offered her more time, but she insisted
that she didn't need more time. we both agreed that she would have no
contact with him ever again. life went on, and we seemed ok. our
physical relationship was still scarce, but i didn't think twice of it.
she had had some bad experiences in her life and i had attributed it to
that.
when i eventually found out what actually happened, i was literally
floored. my whole world was collapsing, and my knees buckled under the
emotional weight. eventually i recomposed myself, cuz i knew she was on
her way home. when she did get home, i let her know that i knew and that
this was the end. i have only a vague recollection of what happened that
night as my mind had stopped functioning at full capacity. numbness and
indifference was my shield. i still loved her though, and i knew it. we
agreed to end things, and stay separated for an extended & indefinite
period of time. actually, it was my idea, and she had no choice but to
agree. i was going to let her go. i figured that while she was living
with me, she had made too many ties with me to leave me if she wanted to.
the wedding, our families, our friends, her unemployment. i figured
that forcing her out would solve at least 3 of these. if it's my idea,
without specifying why, she wouldn't have to deal with it. she could
just tell them i broke it off. her unemployment (which was in part due
to my persuasion and in part due to her asshole of a boss) would only be
temporary. once she had established herself in a few months, i'd give
her at least a few more months to start dating again. so perhaps in a
year, i was going to come back and see where she was in her life and ask,
"do you still want me?" it would be a clean start, with no unfinished
business hanging over our heads.
the next morning though (i had let her stay the night due to my own
weakness), she told me that in 3 months she would leave new york. she
would disappear (basically run away) and just start over somewhere else.
i tried to convince her not to, but i understood why she would want to.
she said that when i wanted her back, someone would be able to get in
touch with her and she would come back. we argued about it, but she
wouldn't budge. at most, she agreed to stay 6 months to a year to wait
for me. this completely defeated the purpose since she would have to
start a new job and basically a new life when she came back. plus the
unfinished business here in new york would remain unfinished. she asked
if we could just stay together and work it out. i told her she had no
idea of what she was asking of me. and i still don't think she does.
what really got me then, and still gets me now, wasn't so much that it
happened, but everything around it. you see, even after our week-long
break. they continued to communicate via email/friendster/txtmsgs and it
continued being as sexual as before. there was all this passion that she
felt that she obviously didn't feel for me. and despite my alleged good
qualities of "intelligence," "personality," "humor," "stability,"
"potential to be a great husband/father" and his "lack of depth,"
"commitment aversion," and "being hard to find,"i would have given
anything to be him. and sometimes i still would. i would like to be the
one who gives her butterflies in her stomach. but i know i'm not. and i
know he does. i'm the guy in the movies that the main character is up
against. the boring nice guy who always means well and tries to do the
right thing, but still ends up getting ditched by the girl. ya know, i'm
half expecting someone (maybe not even this guy, but someone else) to
bust in on our wedding and say, "stop! don't marry him! i love you!"
anyway, my ghosts are not of what happened between them, but of what
isn't between us. i know she loves me, but it's something more than
love. in many ways we're alike. which is why i know i'm the practical
choice, not the passionate one. it's a lot to deal with and to know.
a lot of the times i find myself questioning everything. sometimes i
look at her and i wonder, "is she thinking about him now?" i don't know
how to stop myself from wondering/questioning. i try to stop myself from
thinking by being busy or sleeping or watching tv/dvds, but eventually i
get some time alone and she's out with her friends and the thoughts start
flooding back into my head again. it makes me wish for drugs or alcohol
or a lobotomy. she really had no idea what she was asking for.
things are getting better though. i still get flashes of pain, but
they're under control. i believe we can make it through this. i believe
we can move on and continue. i don't know if i'll ever "get over" this,
but i believe in our future.
*****
I suppose I'll analyze this another time. I don't really feel like it right now.
Surprise!
Surprise, surprise, I didn't feel like going to bed to my pissed off fiancee, so I thought I'd get started on getting my thoughts on sex down.
Sex & Relationships
Despite what the Christian Right would have you believe, sex is a *very* important part of the relationship. Now, I'm not endorsing the morons who say, "but if you love me, you would." No, I'm all for abstinence, even for non-virgins. If that's your choice. What I'm talking about is after marriage, when you've commited yourself completely to one person. I know some of you more "liberal-minded" people will disagree with me, but I say, once you're married, your sexual urges should only be satisfied by your life partner. (Watch, one day I'll end up in the newspaper, soliciting an undercover cop) If that same life partner cannot fulfill your needs, you're pretty much screwed. Well, make that "not screwed." And that's basically where I am right now.
I have no doubt in my mind that I love her, but there's more to it than that. There's a special connection made during passionate sex, and we haven't had that connection in a looong time. It doesn't help that I'm sometimes "trigger happy" but, hey, I blame the infrequency for that. If you want to argue it, prove me wrong by increasing the frequency. Anyway, that connection has been lost, and I can't seem to find it again, and you may think it's just my hormones talking, but losing that connection has made me feel more distant and alone than ever.
Another thing is that she's cheated on me before. I try not to think about it, but it still lingers there, in the back of my head. I can't help but wonder what I'm missing that he has. Obviously she can still feel that connection with someone, even though it's not me. It really hurts sometimes.
A natural question would be, why marry her if she cheated on you? I don't know. I love her. There are times when we're happy, and it's the best feeling in the world. But other times... I don't know. I want to make things work. She's a good person, I love her, and I try to make her happy. For the most part. I think I'm rambling now.
So what's been learned from this excerpt? That there's much more beneath the surface, and that I haven't completely dealt with my feelings on her cheating yet. Also, I'm constantly thinking of sex. But then again, I knew that already. (Deja vu)
This topic is far from over. I'm sure I'll come back to it another time. I have plenty of moments I feel shitty because of my sexual inactivities.
Bah, humbug.
Somedays life is the shiznit, somedays it's just shit. Today is one of those days where it's just shit. After working all day at the office, and then working more at home, I drive out to bring home my fiancee, and when we get home, we find that dinner hasn't been cooked yet. Note that it's already late and my fiancee has to get up early for work, ergo, *I* have to get up early for work. So while waiting for the food to cook, I'm still tapping away at the laptop, doing more work, when my fiancee decides she wants to watch something else. After hearing what she wanted to watch, I suggest we put on something we both would like. She gets all upset and tells me "fine" and that I can watch whatever I want to watch. We all know what "fine" means, right? It means, "god, you're such a dick, and I'm gonna sit here and be mad at you in silence while you do whatever the fuck you want." So I decide not to watch any TV at all, and keep on working. Pretty soon it's bed time, and she's still pissed at me, giving me the silent treatment. She starts getting ready for bed, and I realize that this is gonna be another night to "fly solo," if you know what I mean. It's pretty pathetic when a sexless night has become the norm, and we're not even married yet. She goes to bed, and I go prepare my dog's food, take a shower, then pack both of our lunches for the next day. And now I sit here typing this.
Ok, so if this is a
"Psychoanalysis of the Self" what can I learn from tonight's episode. I think she was upset about dinner and taking it out on me. I, in turn, was upset about so much working, and was adamant about watching something I'd be interested in. Possibly. I mean, I don't think that's what I did, but it's always possible on the subconscious level. Furthermore, I am also constantly thinking about sex. Even during arguments. But then again, I already knew that. Perhaps that would stop if it became a more frequent thing, enough to satisify me. I can't say for sure though, because that hasn't happened yet. This is a topic for another time. Actually, it's the topic I had meant to write in the first place. And to those of you who are asking where my promised sexposition is, I say again, "Bah, humbug."
Car Trouble
So I was speeding down the highway at a a respectable 70 mph, when I pass a cop car that's sitting on the side of the highway. Luckily, I am in the far left, and he is on the far right, and there are 2 lanes between us. I decide to get off the highway in case he decides to come after me. I switch lanes in front of a truck and make my exit. I have no idea if he did get onto the highway from the shoulder, but it was a lucky thing I did, because a short time after I got off, I ran out of gas (my gas meter thing is inaccurate). Even when I run out of gas, I can start the car again and drive a little bit before the engine stops again. I actually made it to a gas station with the engine dying a total of 3 times on the way. I filled up a little bit because it was a bit more expensive than near my house, and then proceeded to drive to the cheaper one. After I got there, and filled my gas tank again, I started to exit the gas station, and waited for the cars to let up so I could get onto the street. After the third time that the light had changed to red, I finally forced my way into the traffic, cursing under my breath every car that saw me trying to get out but wouldn't let me through. As I drove home though, I realized that had I not exited the highway, I probably would have been still stuck on the highway with an empty gas tank, in an even fouler mood. This realization that things could be worse, made me feel better, and I should always remember that when my sight is focused on the immediate, things may seem bad, but in the broader scheme of things, it really could be worse.
Note to self: Always remember the bigger picture.
Politics, Religion, and Sex
Cast of Characters:
The Doc: male Kenyan co-worker w/ a PhD from Japan
The Christian: male Chinese Christian co-worker; goes to church every Sunday, goes to seminary, and leads a cell group
The Talker: male American-born Chinese co-worker who likes to talk...alot
The Shorty: female Latin American co-worker from a Catholic family (who happens to be short) who goes to church once a year
So we're having lunch in the company kitchen, when the Talker comes in and brings up the topic of gay marriages (in typical Talker fashion, just to be able to tell his own views). Now, perhaps I take this more personally than most because my best friend is gay, but I was really surprised and offended by some of their view points. And yes, I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but still, I can't understand it. Basically this is what came out. The Christian of course is against anything gay. This is to be expected, as it is against his religious beliefs. The thing that surprised me though, was that he would be for a Constitutional Amendment forbidding gay marriages. Sure, you can have your own beliefs, but forcing your beliefs on others is something I can't seem to understand. Didn't Christians have this problem in ancient Rome? How about some empathy? The Shorty also has a Christian background, but believes in "live, and let live." The Talker said he agreed with the Shorty, but further into the conversation, he said he would prefer that his kids didn't turn out to be gay. This bothered me, but preferences are preferences, and he said he would love his kids either way all the same. The real shock came when the Doc, a seemingly intelligent man, said, "as long as they don't move in next to me." What?!? If someone said that about any particular race, there'd definitely be trouble. I would have ripped him a new a-hole, except that this is an office, and I don't want to cause my uncle any trouble, but now I can't see the Doc as anything more than a bigot. Anyway, I'm going to end this here because I think I may have started to rant and ramble more than providing anything productive for self analysis.
Note to self: The rule about never talking about politics, religion, and sex, is a very good rule.
Coitus interruptus...
I know I said I'd talk about sex, but two things happened yesterday that I wanted to get down while it was still fresh in my mind
So stay tuned for:
1)
Politics, Religion, and Sex
2)
Car Trouble
Background:
I am a 26-year old American-born Taiwanese male. I have an older sister (by 2 years) and a younger sister (also, by 2 years). Yes, I am the middle child, and also the only son. Thus begins the template of my neurotic existance. Currently I am working at a network video software company owned by a relative on my father's side, as I have been for the past 5 years since before graduating from college. I have been in 3 "real" relationships, all of which lasted at least 2 years, and am currently engaged to be wed this June in this 3rd relationship. I consider myself a neo-traditionalist in that while certain aspects of me are considered "unconventional" I still believe in the "traditional" values. Or at least some of them. Long hair and tattoos do not make me a miscreant. My fiancee and I live with my parents and my younger sister in a two story house. My parents live on the second floor, while my finacee, my sister, and I live on the first. My older sister lives in a house in the neighborhood with her husband, their two children, and members of her husband's family (mother, 2 brothers, 1 sister).
I think that's enough of a background for now. I will add more when relevant to an analysis. I will probably work backwards, with the most pressing issues first, then issues from my past and various things that set me off as they pop up.
Coming Up: Sex: The issue that supersedes all other issues...
Introduction:
I created this blog because I am feeling particularly shitty today. I've looked up some psychiatrists in the neighborhood on my health insurance company's website, but realized that I don't have the money for any effective treatment. So, armed with my brief studies in psychology in college and my personal intuition, I prepare to embark on dissecting my own mind. This blog will be sporatic as I do not have much time between work, and home, and every other thing that creates my neuroses, but I will try to be disciplined about it, and post something at least once a week. (Chances are I will post for about a week or two and then lose interest) I will keep everything thinly veiled by not using any proper names, but anyone who knows me who happens to stumble across this page will find it easy to recognize due to the events of my life that will be put forth here. If you know me and are reading this, please don't let me know, or I will have to kill you. Thanks. -- Me
Coming Up: Background info...
